Reader discretion is advised. If you are easily grossed-out, just skip this one. If you chose to read on, don’t blame me—you were warned.
My good wife, a former nurse, always believed in the old saying, “If your poop floats, you are probably eating too much fat.” This sounds reasonable because fat does float. She often comments about her own daily condition and asks me about mine, which I consider Too Much Information either way.
I recently Googled this old aphorism and was surprised to get a direct hit. First off, she had it backwards. It should be, “ If your poop sinks you are probably eating too much fat.”
But both are wrong. Poop sinks or floats depending on how much flatulence is trapped in it, not how much excreted fat it contains. The saying originated with vegetarians who reasoned digested plant material would float like tree bark, but never had any data to back it up.
I am not big on examining poop, anyway. The last time I was forced to was when my swimming student, a six-year-old Russian boy, dropped a turd on the shower room floor that I first thought was a banana. It was bright yellow and was the same size and shape as a banana. He was crying that he wanted his mother. I cried with him because I wanted her, too. I still don’t know why it was so yellow, but I disposed of it with a long-handled landscaping spade I found in the adjoining garage. When I got back to disinfect the residue, some naked guy was already standing on the spot, and I saw no point in ruining his day.
For those of you who are interested in that sort of thing, I discovered a style of toilet, better known in Europe, with a built-in ceramic shelf that holds poop up out of the water for easy examination before flushing. It is not a popular model.