Occasionally I get up early to work the 6 AM early shift at the pool. This means I have to be up at 5 AM, but getting up at 4 AM is no more difficult, so I do just for an extra hour to watch the TV infomercials.
I love them. They are so positive. There is no problem in life that cannot be solved with four easy payments of $19.99 (shipping and handling extra). At 4 AM, they are on all the channels. Just flip one after another until you find your problem.
Too fat? A pretty 30-something woman with washboard abs lost 120 pounds in three weeks by leaning on a plastic gizmo for 90 seconds a day. (As part of a full exercise and nutritional program, they quickly say, but ignore that.) It could even reverse the effects of all those counter top rotisseries and grills that can make endless delicious meals from ingredients you can find in any dumpster.
Would you like more money? Stay in bed a couple of days, pop their CD in your player, and listen to a course that will show you how to buy and sell real estate with no money down and make $7,000 in your first week. They show a guy who made a couple of hundred thou last year, sitting on his waterfront deck in his Hawaiian shirt. It only takes him an hour or two every few days. He doesn’t sound any smarter than the average pizza delivery guy, or even you, for that matter. Ignore the tiny, tiny print that says, “Depicted results are not typical.”
Worried about eternity? Phone in a pledge, even if you don’t have the money. The money will come, a hundred-fold, somehow. The Scriptures are clear on this. What you sow, you will reap. You will even receive an anointed cloth that will cure any infirmity. (Except baldness, based on the huge wig the Reverend is wearing. Flip to another channel for that problem.)
What they tell us is direct and simple enough to understand even early in the morning. I know, I know, some of you will scoff. Of course it is all fake, but what isn’t in this life? Which of you ladies goes without lipstick? Is your hair really curly and light brown? How come your armpits don’t grow hair?
The TV women are perky, the men are energetic, all laughing and just so happy to help us, like ideal neighbors. What better way to start your day? You would rather watch a PBS program on global warming?